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[thescarletspeedster]

The breach has been open for two weeks, and many bodies have passed through it, but none with more electric speed than the man who created it.

The portal whirls, its edges trembling almost like an animal's reaction to a pleasant touch, spinning harder until the emptiness within its middle parts and a bolt of lightning flies through. The crackle of yellow sparks resolve into a man, or at least, the form of one. His edges are blurred, at times one man, at times two, and all their hands are up, cradling his face as if in pain.

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[triskehale]

Derek is tired. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's starting to believe that all of his searching may be hopeless. Every day he's gone out to look for Barry, refusing to give up on him, but one thing has been made very clear.

Wherever Barry is, he doesn't want to be found. Not even by Derek.

He's checked hospitals and police stations-- any place that someone may wind up stuck and unable to reach out for help. No one has seen Barry at all, not in this Darrow or the next. He's simply vanished, and the only comfort Derek has at all is the brief, cheery message that serves as Barry's outgoing voicemail greeting. He listens to it at night, and then again in the mornings. It's all that he has to know that Barry is still alive. He's still here. Somewhere.

That morning, Derek finds it hard to get out of bed. He's wallowing, overwhelmed by the possibility of never seeing Barry again. He's sad and hurt and scared, and there is apparently nothing he can do about it. He almost stays in bed with Jinx, almost catches up on the sleep that he's so sorely been lacking, but he gets up. He's not going to give up on Barry. He never will.

When he gets to the graveyard, he makes his way through with his gaze on the grass. He's vaguely disheveled, beard overgrown and shirt hanging a little more loosely around his middle than it did two weeks ago. He can't keep going like this.

There's a pulse of light and a crackling sound that Derek is used to by now. It means that someone has come through the breach, and Derek drags his gaze up at it warily. And then he blinks. He almost can't believe it.

"Barry?" He asks, voice cracking slightly. All this time searching, and now that Barry is in front of him, he can't seem to get his feet to move.

[thescarletspeedster]

A voice cuts through the noise in his head, and Barry wrenches his eyes from his parents' graves to the figure standing beyond them. "Derek," Barry exhales, his voice distorted, but he can't get a handle on his powers. The vibrations shudder and stop, only to start up again, and Barry holds his breath and tries to stop moving.

Everything hurts. He'd gone past tired long ago to some new normal of fatigue, his heart feels like an open wound in his chest, but it almost pales to the pain of seeing Derek as he is now, as wrecked as Barry feels.

"I'm sorry," Barry breathes. "I'm so sorry."

[triskehale]

Barry speaks, and it calls Derek into action. Something is obviously wrong, and Derek surges forward to put his hands on Barry's shoulders. He vibrates beneath Derek's palms, and he throws his arms around Barry and pulls him in close. It's like he's trying to hold Barry together, keep all of his pieces from flying apart.

"It's okay," Derek says thickly, gritting his teeth as the vibrations flow through his body. But he doesn't let go. He's not sure that he even could. "It's okay, hummingbird. I've got you. Just take a breath, okay? I'm here."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry's throat closes around a sob as Derek's arms come around him, warm and solid and everything he's wanted for so long. He takes a breath and tries to believe him, but he's so afraid. He's done this, the great whirling mass behind him, he's left Derek and he doesn't deserve to get him back, no more than Derek deserves to meet the same fate as Barry's mother and father just for knowing him.

"I didn't mean to," he says, dragging in another breath, and as he buries his face against Derek's throat he feels his vibrations lessen. "I'm sorry."

[triskehale]

"Barry." Even though Derek finally has Barry back in his arms, he has even more questions than he did before. He doesn't know what really happened, or where Barry has been. This isn't the time for getting those answers, though. Derek needs to calm Barry down. "Hey, everyone is fine, okay? No one got hurt."

He thinks of the graves behind him, and his eyes close tightly for a moment. He presses a kiss to the side of Barry's head and starts to move him away from the breach. Barry's face pressed so snugly against Derek's throat makes his eyes sting, and it takes everything to keep his knees from going too weak to stand. "We need to get you home. Come on."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry wants nothing more than to follow Derek, to go home with him and forget everything he's lost, but he did this. It's all his fault. "I have to fix this," he says, pulling away to stare at the swirling blue breach. "Breaches aren't meant to stay open, Derek."

Barry's eyes drop to the ground, which is beginning to fissure beneath the pressure of the temporal rift. "It won't be this stable forever."

[triskehale]

"You will fix it," Derek assures him, nodding and reaching down to take Barry's hand as soon as he steps away. A small gasp escapes him as soon as Barry stops touching like, like he's afraid that he'll just disappear again.. "But it can wait. It can wait a day. You need to get yourself together, and then I'll help you."

He swallows hard and reaches up to cup Barry's cheek, feeling the rough stubble under the pads his fingers. "We're a team. We're still a team, right?

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry shudders for the touch, so tender he feels as if he might just shake apart, but when his eyes open Derek's own are so full of pain that Barry nearly gasps himself. "Yes," he says, curling his hand around Derek's wrist. He's been gone and he's been so ashamed, but he never meant to leave him. "We're a team. Derek."

Barry forgets the breach for a moment, concentrating on Derek's too gaunt face. "Are you okay?"

[triskehale]

"Good," Derek replies. shoulders relaxing slightly as a relieved breath leaves his lips. He looks up at Barry's question, brows furrowed slightly as he swallows hard. To answer Barry's question honestly would be to put even more pressure on him, which Derek doesn't want to do. He also doesn't want to lie, not to Barry. He's feeling so many things and there are so many tiny doubts pulsing through his thoughts, but he can't deal with them right now. He can't handle it. Barry's here and he's in one piece. That's what Derek wants to focus on now.

"I've been looking for you," he finally settles on, jaw clenching for a moment before he drops his hand from Barry's face to thread their fingers together again. "But now I've found you, so yeah. I'll be okay."

[thescarletspeedster]

It must have been awful. Derek looks awful, and Barry can only imagine how he must have been feeling, especially when Barry promised not to leave him. He can feel the breach like a living thing at his back, but Derek's right. They just need to be home. The rest can wait.

Barry probably shouldn't carry him, he probably shouldn't even run at all now, but the thought of the long journey to the cabin is unbearable when it could be over in moments. Barry grabs Derek up and speeds them there, arriving at Derek's doorstep with a gasp. He braces his hand against the wall and tries to breath, vibrating all over before he gets a handle on himself. "I wasn't trying to leave you," he says in a rush. "Please don't think that."

[triskehale]

There's always this look on Barry's face right before he's about to use his speed, and Derek sees it for a fraction of a second. But of course, before his brain even has time to register what's about to happen they're already at Derek's front door.

"You shouldn't have done that," Derek says quietly, frowning and reaching out to place his hand on Barry's back. There are still tremors racking his body and Derek's heart leaps up into his throat. He's still so worried, and his hand stops its upwards ascent when Barry speaks. He never once thought that Barry just up and left by choice, but he did wonder what would have made Barry leave him at all. "I-- okay. I figured something really bad must have happened, but I-- I didn't know what. I didn't know anything.

"You don't have to tell me," Derek adds as he opens the door that he didn't even bother locking. Jinx lets out a yowl at the sight of Barry, but she stays in her spot on the windowsill. Derek hovers awkwardly in the doorway, and then closes it with his foot before reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a protein bar. It's a little smushed from being carried around for days, and Derek bites his lip as he holds it out to Barry. "I'm just really glad that you're back."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry shuffles over the entryway and stands in the middle of the cabin. It smells like home, as much as his real home ever did, and Barry's throat tightens. He turns and sees the protein bar in Derek's hand, misshapen like it's been there for days just in case, and Barry's eyes burn.

"I was trying to get home," he says as he takes it. "I can run back in time, I should be able to get home, and you said you'd come with me, but I couldn't." Barry's voice breaks. "No matter what I do, I can't get home, and I can't stop it."

Barry takes a breath, and as many times as he's cried, it never seems to be enough. There's always more, and his face crumples. "I can't save him."

[triskehale]

"Barry," Derek breathes out, dropping the bar and rushing forward to wrap his arms around Barry. The scent of his grief is nearly enough to take Derek to his knees, but he keeps himself together enough to hold Barry tightly. "I'm so, so sorry. It's not your fault. It's this place-- this city won't let you leave."

It seems like they were just talking about the good things that Darrow has given them, namely each other, and Derek gets the sinking feeling that maybe the city itself wanted to crush such optimism. Derek's eyes burn and he squeezes them shut tightly before guiding Barry over to the sofa. They drop down onto it and Derek pulls Barry across his lap, holding him tightly against his chest.

Derek swallows hard and presses a soft kiss to Barry's forehead, fingers sliding up into his hair. "It's not your fault, Barry."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry barely registers the movement, only that he's curled around Derek's warmth, and he holds onto him. "It's not fair," he chokes, words that have been a constant litany in his head for weeks, but it isn't, it's not fair. "All that time in prison that he didn't deserve, I just got him out and now he's dead."

His throat tightens too much for speech, and Barry sobs quietly, his fingers gripped in Derek's shirt. "I don't even know how."

[triskehale]

Derek knows what it's like to lose a parent. He lost nearly his entire family all at once, but at least he knew how they died. He knew why. To have it be a mystery-- he's not sure that he could have handled it. He doesn't have the words to make it better, because those words don't exist. It's a wound that will only begin to heal with time, and that at least, is something that Derek can give him.

"I'm sorry, Barry," Derek says again, his own throat tightening at the sound of Barry's sobs. He holds on tightly and resolves not to let go, not until Barry wants him to. "I'm right here. Whatever you need, I'm here. I'm not letting go."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry nods, his wet face tucked against Derek's throat, warm and real and still here, just as Derek has always promised. It seems wrong, to feel so much grief when Derek had lost his entire family all at once, but there's comfort in knowing the Derek understands this agony, that somehow, despite everything, Barry isn't alone.

"It must have been Zoom," Barry murmurs, snuffling as he pulls back to wipe furiously beneath his eyes. "He wanted to ruin me. Apart from Iris or Joe, taking my dad is the best way to do it."

[triskehale]

"I'd rip him to shreds if given half the chance," Derek growls out fiercely. Not that he has any delusions that he would be able to even get his claws into Zoom, but he would sure as hell like to try. He's tear the bastard's throat out for causing Barry so much pain.

If it were anyone else, Derek might suggest that it might have been a car accident or a heart attack that killed Henry. Something tragic but entirely average. But Derek knows all too well how both he and Barry have been targeted for who and what they are.

"I know that nothing can make you feel better right now," Derek says softly, whispering the words against Barry's temple as he gently pushes his hair back from his forehead. "But if there's anything that you need from me, just tell me. It's yours. I'm yours."

[thescarletspeedster]

"I know," Barry murmurs, turning his thoughts away from a confrontation between Derek and Zoom, for that only has one terrible outcome. He closes his eyes and lets the fingers in his hair soothe him, the first thing that's made a dent in the ache in his head and heart for weeks, and feels his hitched breathing slow. He's just so tired.

"I can't keep losing people," he says. "I can't bear it anymore. It's too much."

[triskehale]

"I know," Derek says softly, scratching his fingers lightly along Barry's scalp. His breathing has slowed and Derek wraps his other arm around him, hand sliding up and down his back in a slow, rhythmic pattern. "I know how you feel, Barry. But-- you're not going to lose me."

It's nothing that he can know for sure. It's not a promise that he can make in good conscience, but he wants it to be true so badly. "I know that I'm not-- nothing can replace what you've lost, but you're my family, Barry. We're family, and I'm never letting go."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry's hands tighten in Derek's shirt, and the words are enough to make his eyes burn again, but he's so tired of crying. "I love you," he says, tilting his head to look up at Derek.

He looks even more worn up close, and Barry lifts his hand, thumbing along the shadows beneath Derek's eyes, as deep as bruises. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he murmurs.

[triskehale]

"I love you too," Derek replies, watching Barry's face as he reaches out to touch him. A relieved breath escapes him when Barry's hand rests so gently against his face. He's been craving this contact so badly while Barry was gone, and now it feels like he can finally breathe.

"You didn't mean to," Derek says gently. He does stil need to sort out his feelings, but he knows that nothing Barry did was malicious. He didn't set out to hurt Derek, or make him worry. It was just an unfortunate byproduct of grief. "What's important is that you're safe. You're still here."

He turns his head to nuzzle into Barry's palm, pressing a kiss to the inside of his wrist before looking at him again. "I wasn't even sure that you were still alive. Just-- please don't do that to me again."

[thescarletspeedster]

Something in Derek's expression breaks at the touch, and Barry cups his face, thumbs dragging through the untamed beard on his too sharp cheeks. "I'm sorry," he says again, "God, I didn't mean to make you think that. I just couldn't get it together, and - "

Barry swallows. "If I could have just made a door home, you and I could have been so happy there, and my Dad, and everyone. It's just a stupid dream but after that first breach, I thought I could make another."

[triskehale]

"I get it," Derek says quietly, letting his fingers skin up Barry's back. His spine is more pronounced than usual, cheeks more hollow, and Derek gets the urge to feed him. They both need this contact more right now, and Derek doesn't think he could even let Barry go even if he tried. "If there was any way I could have tried to go back and stop that fire, I would have done it without hesitation."

He sighs and slides his hand up to curl soothingly around the back of Barry's neck. "I'm sorry that it didn't work. But I'll try to make you happy here. I can never give you back what you've lost, but I promise that I'll try."

[thescarletspeedster]

"I know you will," Barry murmurs, his throat hot again. The hand at the back of his neck feels good, grounding in a way that nothing has been in weeks, and Barry feels exhaustion pull at him. It would be so easy, to finally relax here in a place where he's safe, where they're both safe and far from Zoom, but not while Derek looks as drawn as he does.

"You should eat," he says, still stroking Derek's cheek. "And I should bathe." He almost manages the ghost of a smile. "Your poor nose."

[triskehale]

"My nose will be okay," Derek assures him, mouth quirking up the tiniest bit as he leans in to brush their noses together. He presses a soft kiss to the corner of Barry's mouth and then pulls back, reaching up to cup his cheeks. "You take a shower, I'll make us something to eat, and then we can both get some sleep. Deal?"

[thescarletspeedster]

"Deal," Barry echoes, but it's a long moment before he can bear the thought of getting up. He shifts, and another waft from his own suit at last convinces him. Barry disengages from Derek and gets to his feet, his stomach rumbling for the first time in weeks. Most likely, this food will taste like the same ash as the rest, but if Derek's making it, Barry wants to try.

"I'll leave the door open," he says, hands already going to the fastens of his suit.

[triskehale]

"Okay," Derek replies, feeling relieved that there won't be a barrier between them. He feels like he did when he found Barry after KIRIN, like if he lets him out of his sight he'll disappear again. He helps Barry out of his suit, which really has gotten a bit ripe, and drapes all the leather over one arm. "I'm going to put this out back so it can-- air out."

Derek nods and then goes outside, draping the leather in a place where it's hidden from view before ducking back into the cabin. The shower is going, so Derek heads into the kitchen to put together some sandwiches. He doesn't know what Barry has been eating, and he gets even more flashbacks to that time after KIRIN as he heats up some chicken soup. He puts it all on the coffee table along with some water and Gatorade, and stares down at the spread with a furrowed brow. He feels jittery and exhausted, and he looks up when Barry exits the bathroom in a cloud of steam.

"Feel better? Oh, here." He ducks aside to grab some clean sweats and a shirt before handing them over to Barry. "Is there anything else you need?"

[thescarletspeedster]

"No, this is great," says Barry, holding the towel around his waist. His suit is, somewhat humiliatingly, outside where it can't bother them or the animals, and he's grateful for the fresh clothes. Normally he'd speed into them, but Barry doesn't have the energy for it just now, standing awkwardly before he retreats into the bathroom to pull them over his skinny body. It hadn't occurred to him until the shower how pronounced his ribs have become, and he doesn't want to put them in Derek's face now. Especially when Derek looks half starved himself.

The thought makes him hurry back, and Barry rushes into the kitchen, pushing Derek's plate closer. "It looks good," he says, "Really," and takes a bite of the first sandwich he picks up, staring at Derek in the hopes that he'll follow suit.

[triskehale]

Derek doesn't move until Barry starts to eat, and he lets out a breath of relief before picking up his own sandwich and taking a bite. He's suddenly ravenous now that Barry is safe, but he forces himself to eat slowly.

"Can't go wrong with sandwiches," Derek says around bites, looking around the kitchen and then over at Barry. "I can cook something after we get some sleep. We're running a little low on food but I'm sure that I can whip something up."

Once they're done eating, Derek sighs and wraps his arms around Barry again. He nuzzles behind his hear and takes in his scent, telling himself that Barry is okay. He's here, and he's safe, and he still loves Derek. Everything is going to be okay. "I'm so glad that you're back."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry closes his eyes and leans into Derek. In truth, the food had been more choked down than enjoyed, but with Derek's warmth wrapped around him, it feels better. Not okay, but like it might be again, and Barry nods. His limbs and eyelids feel heavy, the result of proper food, no doubt, and he pulls back.

"Bed?" he asks, suddenly dying for the softness and scent of those familiar sheets.

[triskehale]

"Bed," Derek agrees, quickly changing into a pair of sweats and tossing his shirt aside. He pulls the covers back and climbs in, waiting for Barry to join him. Things have never really been awkward between them in bed, but now Derek finds himself unsure of how to proceed. He doesn't know what to do with his hands, or what Barry does or doesn't want from him.

He feels off-kilter in a depressing sort of way that he hopes has to do with his lack of sleep. He tells himself that Barry didn't hide from him because he didn't trust him, or stopped loving him. It didn't really have anything to do with Derek at all, and he does his best to remind himself of that.

Still, he lays there with his arms at his sides as he stares at the ceiling. He wants to reach out and pull Barry close like he just had before, but it feels a little different once they're in the intimate space between the sheets. He worries that Barry might not want it, might not want him, and he knows it's dumb. He knows there are far more important things going on right now, but the space between them has never felt like this. Like it's so vast.

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry crawls in after him, snuggling into his pillow with a sigh. It smells just as he remembered, like woodsmoke and Derek and he waits for it, that sense of completion that has always greeted him in Derek's bed, but it doesn't come. The air is too cool on his skin, and so are the sheets when he wriggles deeper beneath them, and it's not until Barry opens his eyes to find Derek so far away that he understands why.

"Hey," he says, lifting up on an elbow with a frown. "Are you - do you want me to give you more room? I know it's been, or you've been, you've had more room lately," Barry finishes with a frown, even as his eyes find that smooth place on Derek's chest where he'd like to lay his head.

[triskehale]

Derek looks over at Barry and swallows hard, letting his gaze drift along the familiar sight of Barry in his bed. Part of him wants to shake it off, bottle up what he's feeling and hide it. It's how he lived for years, but in his years here he's come to learn just how unhealthy it was to let all that emotion fester.

Anger used to be his anchor, and now it's Barry. Maybe that's why he felt so adrift these past weeks. Even though it's easier to want to talk now, the words still take some time to form. He blinks and then rolls onto his side to look at Barry.

"No," he says quietly, letting his palm glide along the cool sheets between them as his brows furrow and he doesn't quite meet Barry's eyes. "It's just-- you kept yourself from me for weeks. I guess that I just didn't want to assume that you wanted me in all the same ways that you did before. I-- I don't know what's changed, if anything."

It feels a little pathetic, but he's still glad that he actually said it. He didn't let it fester like the younger, foolish version of him would have. "I guess I'm just... confused. Afraid, maybe."

[thescarletspeedster]

Derek looks somewhere just past Barry as he speaks, and the cold feeling in Barry's middle grows, even as his traitorous eyes go hot again. He's so sorry, and he's said it so many times, but he knows he'll say it more because it's not enough. Nothing could ever be enough when he's made a man as good as Derek feel so low.

"I do," he says, his voice cracking, "Still, always, God, I - " Barry breaks off, drawing up his knees. "I know I didn't do any of this the right way, I just wanted to go home, but always with you. I didn't mean to ruin what we have. It's the - " Barry's voice hitches. "It's the best thing I have in either world."

[triskehale]

Barry practically curls in on himself, and Derek feels like scum. He hates himself in that moment for causing Barry another second of pain, and he swallows hard as he closes the distance between them. He puts his hands on Barry's cheeks and wipes his thumbs gently under his eyes, feeling his own sting and go blurry with wetness.

"You didn't ruin anything," Derek assures him, shaking his head and leaning in to press a trembling kiss to Barry's forehead. His words ring with truth and Derek hates that he ever doubted this, even for a second. He hates the voice in his head that tells him that he isn't enough, that he'll never be enough. He hates himself for making Barry cry.

"I'm right here. You didn't ruin it," Derek says again, wrapping his arm around Barry's shoulders and pulling him close. Both of their cheeks are wet and Derek kisses him anyway, firmly yet still gentle as he presses their lips together. "I love you," Derek murmurs against his mouth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- I love you so much, Barry."

[thescarletspeedster]

"Don't apologize," Barry says, clinging to Derek when he closes the distance between them. He tries to kiss Derek back, but he knows it must be awful, and the words won't stop tumbling from his mouth. "I did it, I did all of it, I hurt you, don't be sorry."

He wraps his arms around Derek, fingers curling against his back. More than anything, more than the right version of Darrow and the cabin it's this that's home, Derek's warm skin beneath his hands, and Barry never meant to make him doubt. "I love you, I'm sorry."

[triskehale]

"I forgive you. I just-- I don't want you to leave me," Derek rasps out, squeezing his eyes shut to blink away the tears. It's selfish and awful but he just wants to be enough for Barry. He never wants to be without him. "I was just scared, but it's okay. It's all going to be okay."

Barry clings to him and Derek holds him right back, ashamed that he doubted this closeness for even a second. They're meant to be tangled up like this, pressed together with no space between them. Barry is holding into him like Derek is everything that he needs, and maybe in this moment that's true. Right now they just need each other, and Derek lets out a breath when he feels Barry's hummingbird heart thrumming against his chest. Derek presses their foreheads together and clutches the back of Barry's neck. Derek's fingers tangle in the leather cord of Barry's necklace, which he obviously wore through the whole ordeal. Derek was always with him in some way, just like Barry was always with him. "We're still pack. We're still a team. I still love you, hummingbird. I won't ever stop."

He pulls back just enough to look into Barry's eyes. They're still wet and full of pain, and Derek cups his cheek, stroking the arch of it gently with his thumb. "I'm yours, remember? No way in hell you're getting rid of me that easily."

[thescarletspeedster]

Barry nods, squeezing his eyes closed to dispel the last of the moisture from them as he begins to relax into Derek's embrace. Derek's fingers are in the cord of his necklace, and Barry's find the leather around Derek's own neck. He must not have taken it off either, and Barry exhales, feeling a part of him settle.

"I'll never want to leave you," he promises, and if he felt better he'd probably joke that tearing a hole in reality probably isn't the easiest way of getting rid of someone, but humor is the furthest thing from his mind. Now it's only Derek, here and whole and hurting for so long. Barry turns his cheek against Derek's palm. "How do I make it better?"

[triskehale]

"Barry, don't think that you owe me anything," Derek tells him gently. Barry has enough to deal with, and Derek doesn't want him thinking that there's some sort of deby to be paid, or that he has to work to earn Derek's forgiveness. "You're here, so it's already better. That's all I need-- you here and in one piece."

Derek lets out a breath and pulls the covers up over them, surrounding them with warmth as Derek slides his fingers up into Barry's soft hair. He brushes their noses together and kisses him again, letting the press of his lips linger before pulling back to look at him. Now that Derek voiced his doubts, he knows how ridiculous they were. He's glad to have gotten it out of the way so quickly, so they can both focus on healing and figuring out a way to close the breach.

"I love you, Barry," he says quietly, letting out a breath as he finally starts to relax. "It's like you said. You're the best thing that I have. And I just want you to let me keep on having you."

[thescarletspeedster]

Derek pulls up the covers, and Barry relaxes against him as if his strings have been cut, tucking his head down just where he'd been hoping for. Derek's fingers in his hair are soothing, and Barry feels his exhaustion encroach once again, all his limbs lead filled and his eyelids, too.

"I will. I want you," he says, moving his chin against Derek's chest as he burrows in. "Just you. Love you, Derek."

[triskehale]

It's obvious how tired Barry is, and Derek isn't far behind. He shifts so that Barry can drape across his chest, and Derek feels like he can finally breathe now that he's under that comfortable, familiar weight.

"Thank you for coming home," he says quietly, sliding his hand up and down Barry's back. "Get some sleep. I'll be right here."